What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
08.06.2025 00:45
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
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The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I was very sick at this time too.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
How can people balance religious beliefs with seeking professional mental health care?
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
She found it foreign!.
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
I was scared of men, in general
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
Can you share 100 facts about yourself?
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I said to her
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
What was the craziest place that you had sex with someone in public?
I could never make a relationship work though!
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Why don't we hear our own snoring?
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
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I think the readers, may guess!
I was seconnd youngest,
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I write beautiful poetry .
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I couldn’t, believe it.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
She wouldn,t have been !
I have no regrets .
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
My family never makes their pension either.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Who then, do I blame.?
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
This is soul school!.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
(And it was in our own minds.)
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
Would this be the day?
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
I will be 64.
He knew the spot.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
Im still living with it.
I waited trembling.
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
Put me off passion for life!!
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
He resisted the act ,that day.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I never cut or harmed myself..
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I don,t even have a pension.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
One cannot live in the past .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
She was in good health!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
Ive learnt so much.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
So, i spoilt her more .
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
She married twice! .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
The only rule us 5 kids had .
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
She loved him until the end.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But ive been too sick for many years..
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
It was going to be , some day.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
Comes on , in middle age.
I was 9 years of age.
But, we were locked up after school.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
What did i know ?
We were not on the streets..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We all went to grammer schools
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
Why did i forgive my father ?
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
When she asked me how she looked .
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
But it wasn’t much.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Especially a lifetime of it.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Was to survive, this bastard.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
My life is so biszare .
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
As i do to all so called friends.?
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
So whats the point in blame.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
All the time i was locked up.
And i lived it daily.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.